Oops, I forgot (how) to write
My buddy Zack, The Doctor, has offered useful advice. I've been struggling with the fact that I am completely out of writing practice. Which would be fine, except, oops, I'm currently applying to graduate schools for writing. They kinda require this thing called a writing sample. Not writing well may hurt my chances of being accepted. Just a guess.
Back to Zack. He suggested I write something unrelated to grad school. Even though he provided me with a helpful tip, don't go thinking Zack is great. Not too long ago he ruined my life by okaying the pairing up of someone with another someone when I was crushing on the one someone. So, really, he owed me.
His specific instructions are to write fiction with the leading man being black or Asian, my choice. I haven't written a word of fiction since my freshmen year of college. I suppose some of my academic papers contained fiction; however, I believe the correct term is “bullshit,” not fiction. Two problems with Zack's otherwise wonderful advice: 1. I can't write fiction and 2. The blacks and Asians are already everywhere, so I’d rather not make more of them. Yet despite my limited fiction abilities and the abundance of minorities, I’d like to give this a shot.
UPADTE: Another request has come in. J.J. has asked for erotic writing. I'll see what I can do.
************
Many moons ago, in late 2003, a group of five male Pitte students traveled far and wide during their Kwanzaa Break to visit two female Pitte students in a city called Buffalonia. Truth be told, however, the true reason the group ventured to beautiful Buffalonia was to attend a football game between the Pittsland Child Molesters and the Buffalonia Organ Donors. Just so you're not distracted by suspense for the duration of this story, the Child Molesters lost 79-0 to the Organ Donors, even after numerous acts of cheating and violence.
The night before The Game, the male Pitte students arrived in Buffalonia so they could go to The Game the next day with the rising of the sun. Problems started the moment they entered beautiful, carefree Buffalonia. The first car load, consisting of three Pitte boys, a classy bunch, didn't want to show up at the house at which they would be spending the night empty handed. They had plans to buy the woman of the house I glamorous diamond necklace and the man of the house a powerful handgun.
But alas! It was Kwanzaa. The jewelry and firearm stores, including Wal-Mart, were closed for the holiday. They drove around Buffalonia for a while in denial until they saw a beacon, a red and white light of hope, coming from the supermarket Pots Friendlyish Markets, which was open despite the Kwanzaa holiday. Pots was owned by a racist Asian who didn't like blacks, and, therefore, didn't close the store.
As always, racism worked on the behalf of the Pitte students searching for the perfect gift. To this day, the three Pitte boys claim the bottle of Spumanti in aisle two called out to them with a sweet, sweet song. Of course they bought it and eagerly proceeded to their final destination, the house of the most beautiful girl in all of Buffalonia, Marita Wolarczek .
The three Pitte boys arrived at 15 Southcotton Avenue around 6 p.m. on this 2003 Kwanzaa evening. Spumanti in hand, they rang the doorbell.
Nothing.
They rang it again.
Nothing.
No problem, they thought. We'll call Marita. All three of them had her on speed dial because she was the most beautiful girl in Buffalonia. They called. The phone rang and rang.
Nothing.
Uh oh. Time to regroup. The Pitte boys left the front door to check their information. They had the right address. Marita knew they were coming. What's was going on??
WARNING! WARNING! EROTICA COMING! COMING. HA.
Turns out, the doorbell was broken. And Marita's phone? Well... Marita, being the most beautiful girl in Buffalonia was having lesbian Catholic sex with the most beautiful girl in the Buffalonia suburb of Hamherst, Telissa Afterie. Since they were both Catholic, and really not lesbians at all, just bored, the sex consisted of rubbing against each other while fully clothed. Telissa insisted on having the TV on during this interaction so Marita didn't hear her phone. Noticing that Telissa was more into watching TV than rubbing against her, Marita stopped the Catholic lesbian sex, and just in time to hear her phone ring again.
"Hello?" she answered breathlessly.
END OF EROTICA
"Hello, Marita. It's Zachariah, your black friend. I think we're at your house."
"Oh hi, Zachariah! I'll come to the door. The doorbell is broken. I'm glad you made it here OK."
With that, Marita and Telissa ran to the door to greet their fellow Pitte students. They all embraced and jumped for joy. The three Pitte boys presented the Spumanti to Marita's mother, and she nearly cried of happiness because her beautiful daughter had such thoughtful and good-looking friends. Shortly thereafter, two more Pitte boys arrived, one that had once lived in Buffalonia. He giggled because he was so happy to be back.
That Kwanzaa was filled with joy, for the most part, except that all good pizza places were closed. Only Mattino's remained open because it was also owned by an Asian racist who didn't want to acknowledge the black holiday. There was no other option so Mattino’s it was. But Mattino's pizza is squishy so no one really liked it and they vowed only to speak ill of Mattino's pizza from that day forward.
There's not much more to say other than the fact that Zachariah spent the night in Marita’s bed. The next morning, Brownie, the nickname of another Pitte boy, entered all rooms (Marita's parents' and brother's rooms) except the correct one to awaken Zachariah.
But all in all, the visit was a success, even though the Pitte boys drove all that way to see the Pittland Child Molesters lose 79-0 to the Buffalonia Organ Donors.
It should also be noted that Telissa left the group early in the evening for reasons never revealed. Some say she was too distraught over the squishy pizza to continue socializing.
Editor's note: The omission of the Pitte v. Utaw College Plate Game is not a mistake. Such an event should not be relived.
Back to Zack. He suggested I write something unrelated to grad school. Even though he provided me with a helpful tip, don't go thinking Zack is great. Not too long ago he ruined my life by okaying the pairing up of someone with another someone when I was crushing on the one someone. So, really, he owed me.
His specific instructions are to write fiction with the leading man being black or Asian, my choice. I haven't written a word of fiction since my freshmen year of college. I suppose some of my academic papers contained fiction; however, I believe the correct term is “bullshit,” not fiction. Two problems with Zack's otherwise wonderful advice: 1. I can't write fiction and 2. The blacks and Asians are already everywhere, so I’d rather not make more of them. Yet despite my limited fiction abilities and the abundance of minorities, I’d like to give this a shot.
UPADTE: Another request has come in. J.J. has asked for erotic writing. I'll see what I can do.
************
Many moons ago, in late 2003, a group of five male Pitte students traveled far and wide during their Kwanzaa Break to visit two female Pitte students in a city called Buffalonia. Truth be told, however, the true reason the group ventured to beautiful Buffalonia was to attend a football game between the Pittsland Child Molesters and the Buffalonia Organ Donors. Just so you're not distracted by suspense for the duration of this story, the Child Molesters lost 79-0 to the Organ Donors, even after numerous acts of cheating and violence.
The night before The Game, the male Pitte students arrived in Buffalonia so they could go to The Game the next day with the rising of the sun. Problems started the moment they entered beautiful, carefree Buffalonia. The first car load, consisting of three Pitte boys, a classy bunch, didn't want to show up at the house at which they would be spending the night empty handed. They had plans to buy the woman of the house I glamorous diamond necklace and the man of the house a powerful handgun.
But alas! It was Kwanzaa. The jewelry and firearm stores, including Wal-Mart, were closed for the holiday. They drove around Buffalonia for a while in denial until they saw a beacon, a red and white light of hope, coming from the supermarket Pots Friendlyish Markets, which was open despite the Kwanzaa holiday. Pots was owned by a racist Asian who didn't like blacks, and, therefore, didn't close the store.
As always, racism worked on the behalf of the Pitte students searching for the perfect gift. To this day, the three Pitte boys claim the bottle of Spumanti in aisle two called out to them with a sweet, sweet song. Of course they bought it and eagerly proceeded to their final destination, the house of the most beautiful girl in all of Buffalonia, Marita Wolarczek .
The three Pitte boys arrived at 15 Southcotton Avenue around 6 p.m. on this 2003 Kwanzaa evening. Spumanti in hand, they rang the doorbell.
Nothing.
They rang it again.
Nothing.
No problem, they thought. We'll call Marita. All three of them had her on speed dial because she was the most beautiful girl in Buffalonia. They called. The phone rang and rang.
Nothing.
Uh oh. Time to regroup. The Pitte boys left the front door to check their information. They had the right address. Marita knew they were coming. What's was going on??
WARNING! WARNING! EROTICA COMING! COMING. HA.
Turns out, the doorbell was broken. And Marita's phone? Well... Marita, being the most beautiful girl in Buffalonia was having lesbian Catholic sex with the most beautiful girl in the Buffalonia suburb of Hamherst, Telissa Afterie. Since they were both Catholic, and really not lesbians at all, just bored, the sex consisted of rubbing against each other while fully clothed. Telissa insisted on having the TV on during this interaction so Marita didn't hear her phone. Noticing that Telissa was more into watching TV than rubbing against her, Marita stopped the Catholic lesbian sex, and just in time to hear her phone ring again.
"Hello?" she answered breathlessly.
END OF EROTICA
"Hello, Marita. It's Zachariah, your black friend. I think we're at your house."
"Oh hi, Zachariah! I'll come to the door. The doorbell is broken. I'm glad you made it here OK."
With that, Marita and Telissa ran to the door to greet their fellow Pitte students. They all embraced and jumped for joy. The three Pitte boys presented the Spumanti to Marita's mother, and she nearly cried of happiness because her beautiful daughter had such thoughtful and good-looking friends. Shortly thereafter, two more Pitte boys arrived, one that had once lived in Buffalonia. He giggled because he was so happy to be back.
That Kwanzaa was filled with joy, for the most part, except that all good pizza places were closed. Only Mattino's remained open because it was also owned by an Asian racist who didn't want to acknowledge the black holiday. There was no other option so Mattino’s it was. But Mattino's pizza is squishy so no one really liked it and they vowed only to speak ill of Mattino's pizza from that day forward.
There's not much more to say other than the fact that Zachariah spent the night in Marita’s bed. The next morning, Brownie, the nickname of another Pitte boy, entered all rooms (Marita's parents' and brother's rooms) except the correct one to awaken Zachariah.
But all in all, the visit was a success, even though the Pitte boys drove all that way to see the Pittland Child Molesters lose 79-0 to the Buffalonia Organ Donors.
It should also be noted that Telissa left the group early in the evening for reasons never revealed. Some say she was too distraught over the squishy pizza to continue socializing.
Editor's note: The omission of the Pitte v. Utaw College Plate Game is not a mistake. Such an event should not be relived.
posted by Maria | 11:29 PM
4 Comments:
i think you should stick to non-fiction...
oh snap
snap or no snap, i found it engaging, thrilling and... quite satisfactory. more erotica, please.
Wow.
As a philosophic choice, I don't masturbate, but man, you've offered some real food for thought for reconsidering...
Is it hot in here..?
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